There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
