I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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