either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
