I can feel you judging me through the phone.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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