so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
