All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Sober January is a disaster.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
