So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
