I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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