Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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