I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
