she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
