allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
