I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
