i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
