I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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