I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
