Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
