apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
