when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
