my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
