Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
