3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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