Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
