i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
