I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
