So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
