I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
