I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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