Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
