Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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