She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
