His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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