so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
