I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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