I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
