I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
