I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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