Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
