cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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