i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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