He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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