Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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