i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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