I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
