Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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