Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
