My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
