highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
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His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
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i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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