Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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