Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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