I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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