That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
