Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
