So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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