Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
