hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
