the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
