I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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